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Tips for first-date confidence

Jane Hoskyn | Friday 05 October 2007 | 09:29

Ever seen the Derren Brown programme where he went to the dog track and bamboozled the bookies? Our Derren walked up to the cashier with a blank piece of paper, handed it over and calmly claimed his “winnings”. The cashier, transfixed by Derren’s supreme confidence, handed over the cash.

OK, so we’re not all Derren Brown. But his mind tricks are a dramatic illustration of how confidence and self-belief will get you everywhere. Not just at the dogs, but in dating, too. No jokes about dogs, please… that really won’t help.

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First, let’s clear up some misconceptions about “confidence”. I’m not talking about arrogance, which is self-belief beyond the call of duty and wildly unattractive to most sane beings. Confidence is a more subtle beast, harder to define but infinitely attractive to both sexes. It’s not necessarily about looks – it’s about self-respect and understanding what you’ve got to offer. A confidence person is one who knows their worth, is comfortable in their own skin and, as a result, is a pleasure to be around. That’s not a bad start in a dating partner.

Confidence can be defined as much why what it isn’t as by what it is. People who lack confidence are not comfortable to be around, and they often come across as unfriendly and aloof. In fact, they can come across as arrogant, which is precisely the quality that confidence is often mistaken for. Unconfident people can be deeply insecure, defensive and unable to hold a decent conversation.

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 A confident attitude won’t only make you more attractive to the opposite sex, it’ll also help you get through that nerve-wracking first date. Approach it as an ordeal, and chances are it will be – for you and for the other person. A healthy dose of self-confidence will enable you to relax, be yourself and enjoy their company, and they’ll be far more likely to enjoy yours.

 So where can you get some of this magic confidence stuff? Here are 6 top tips for radiating that certain something and keeping your head above water…

 1. Look forward to it

Make a list of all the reasons why you want to go on this date, and why you’re looking forward to about it. This helps you turn the date from something you’re dreading to something you’re excited about. This is basic cognitive behavioural therapy – coach yourself to have a more positive outlook, and pretty soon it will sink in.

 2. Practice socialising

The best way to get better at anything is to do more of it, so if you want to socialise with confidence you need to socialise more. Simple as that. It’s also an idea to join something like a salsa class or debating group where you’re forced to come out of your shell – and where you’ll learn to project yourself, vocally and physically.

 3. Walk tall

A closed body posture tells your date that you’re uncomfortable and don’t want to be there, which is never a good start. Open, relaxed body language and posture radiates friendliness and gives the impression that you’re happy in your skin and in the other person’s company. Your date will quickly start to mirror your body language, and that’ll help you both feel more relaxed without even noticing it. Works a treat.

4. Picture the scene…

Sports psychologists are big fans of visualisation, where their clients picture themselves succeeding and experience a huge confidence boost as a result. Approach your date in the same way: picture yourself being relaxed, witty and devilishly attractive. Go into as much detail as possible. You'll be amazed by how effective it is for giving your self-esteem a nudge.

 5. Don’t be a try-hard

Insisting on paying for everything, checking that your date is OK, nipping to the loo every five minutes to check your hair, going berserk with apology if you’re five minutes late… these are not the things that will make your date feel at ease. Or you, for that matter. Let go, be playful and don’t act as though your entire life depends on this date. Desperation and neediness are not a good look.

 6. Ban the phrase “out of my league”

Who are you to second-guess someone else’s taste? Approaching a date with a defeatist attitude dooms you to failure. Of course you’re good enough for them – the question you should be asking is, are they good enough for you? Now, go gettem!

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