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Kissing with confidence

Jane Hoskyn | Thursday 10 July 2008 | 13:11

A kiss is not just a kiss. A good kiss and a bad kiss are so different, there should be separate words for them. A bliss and a miss. A smooch and a bleurgh. Never underestimate the power of a great kiss to make your first date a success – or the power of a bad one to kill things stone dead.

So how can you ensure that you kiss with confidence? And, if your date is a terrible kisser, how can you change them? Here are all your snogging questions answered.

Q: Is there really such as thing as a good kiss and a bad kiss?

A: Yes. I’d love to say that it’s got nothing to do with technique and everything to do with feelings and spiritual connections, but I would be lying. “I had an amazing first date with this guy,” says Kirstie, 31. “The chemistry was really exciting, and I really built up my hopes. But when we kissed, he just shoved his tongue down my throat like a clumsy teenage boy. The disappointment was terrible, I was gutted. I just couldn’t fancy someone who kissed so badly.”

Q: But isn’t that how you’re supposed to kiss?

A: Good kissing does not mean deep-throating your partner with your tongue, unless that’s what they want. Your tongue is not an electric eel in a washing machine. Shoving it in until they can’t move their own tongue is not kissing, it’s common assault. And don’t open your mouth too wide or get too sloppy. An aggressive, overly wet kiss is as sexy as emergency mouth-to-mouth from a pit bull terrier.

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Q: So what should I do instead?

A: Start simply, gently and teasingly. When it feels right, tilt your head slightly to one side to avoid clashing noses, lean in and press your lips onto your partner's lips, softly, so you don't bump teeth. Go with the flow. Use your tongue, but with care – it’s a richly sensitive part of your body. Your tongue should tease and play with your partner’s tongue rather than stop them breathing.

Q: Where do I put my hands?

A: If you’re alone together, do whatever your partner’s body responds well to. If you touch their shoulders, back, neck, arms or wherever and they push towards you, you’re doing well. If they pull away slightly, your hands are getting a little too familiar.

Q: How do I know if someone wants to kiss me?

A: If you’ve spent the evening together, and the conversation and body language both suggest an exciting connection, they probably want to kiss you. If they’re meeting your eye a lot, smiling, laughing and adopting a similar body posture as you, they almost certainly want to kiss you. If they don’t look away when you hold their gaze for a couple of seconds and smile without saying a word, they are desperate to kiss you.

Q: What if they run away screaming?

A: What, after all that body language and chemistry-soaked chat? Then they are a tease, and their tongue has no place in your precious mouth.

Q: If they kiss me does it mean they want to have sex with me?

A: Not necessarily. A kiss is one of the most intimate and sensuous things you can experience with another person, but it’s not an invitation to have sex.

Q: Is it OK for a girl to initiate the first kiss?

A: Not if you’re living in a convent in 1853. Otherwise, of course it’s OK. Many men are much more shy than they’d admit, and would be delighted if their female companion broke the tension with a snog. Besides, a girl who kisses a guy is a confident woman who knows what she wants. That’s definitely a girl worth kissing.

Q: What should (and shouldn’t) I eat on a date if I want a snog?

A: If you’re going out for dinner, never forget the snog potential. Spicy, garlicky food with onions, anchovies or other strong flavours may mean a revolting kiss for your partner, unless they’ve eaten the same thing. If in doubt, suck a mint (please remove before snogging commences). Note that garlic breath can often be stronger the day after you’ve eaten the stuff.

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Q: My new squeeze is a terrible kisser. Should I dump them?

A: Some say yes. “Bad kissers are usually insensitive men,” says Julia, 36. “They’re not thinking about how it feels for me. Instant turn-off.” Others think bad kissers need a second chance. “I kissed my girlfriend goodnight in public after our first date, and it was terrible; really awkward,” says Daniel, 28. “But the next time, she kissed me at her place and it was fantastic. She’d just been really shy the first time.”

A tuned-in partner will know how you like to be kissed, simply by noticing how you kiss them. But if they continue to disappoint, try a little light tuition. Whisper “less tongue” when they’re going in with the electric eel. Say it kindly and with humour so that you don’t sound like a control freak. If they carry on regardless, consider your options. Like finding someone sensitive enough to kiss you the way you like it.

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