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What not to say on a first date

Jane Hoskyn | Friday 11 January 2008 | 11:03

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1. “My ex”

Every time someone dishes out dating advice, “don’t mention the ex” gets trotted out yet again. There are approximately 300 reasons for this. Here are just three:

1. Mentioning your ex suggests to your date, accurately, that you’re not over them.

2. Mentioning your ex makes your date feel inadequate.

3. Your ex is not exactly one of those “wow we’ve got so much in common” topics, is it?

The trouble with “don’t mention the ex” is that it’s fiendishly hard to stick to, especially if your last relationship was a biggie and/or quite recent. Much of your most interest recent life experience – places you’ve travelled to, great nights out you’ve had, even the way your home is decorated – will have involved your ex. But unless your date explicitly asks who you went on that holiday with (what is this anyway, a police interrogation?), there is no reason to say “I went there with my ex”. If you do accidentally utter such a thing, leave it at that. No reason to expand and dig yourself a hole.

Some particularly ham-fisted daters think that slagging off the ex, or recent dates, is a way to capture a new date’s heart. What better way to make the new guy or girl feel like “the best ever”? No. The new person will think “great… now you’re going to go and slag me off to your next hottie.”

2. “Oh… but I thought you were having a good time…”

If you want to “go on” somewhere else at the end of the evening, whether it’s to a club or to your bedroom, and they don’t fancy it, don’t whinge – it’ll kill your chances of ever seeing them again. And if your date has had a long day and wants to head home before the pub shuts, or if they head off after a couple of hours to meet some friends, don’t guilt-trip them or take it personally. It will make them feel annoyed and make you look clingy. Haven’t you ever heard of leaving them wanting more?

3. “That’s a strange shirt” (or dress, suit, whatever)

Everyone is sensitive to criticism, and that sensitivity multiplies tenfold when we’re on a first date with someone we want to impress. It’s not easy to decide what to wear when meeting someone new, especially for women. We want to be ourselves, but we also want to stand out from the crowd; we don’t want to dress down too much and we don’t want to dress up too much. It’s a minefield. So having someone make a quip about your outfit (see also: hair, make-up, bag, shoes, perfume etc) is hurtful, and an instant passion-killer.

Personal criticism can take many other disastrous forms in the early stages of dating. If someone makes you a mixtape (well, mix CD) and you respond by saying that their music taste is weird, they’ll feel crushed. Bitchy criticisms about venue choices, meals out (or lovingly cooked), home décor and so on also suggest that a relationship with you will be hard work. Who needs it?

4. “He/she looks nice…”

Commenting positively on the appearance of someone else while you’re out on a date is not some clever way of playing hard to get. It’s daft, and also cruel, because it will make your date feel like an unwelcome (and unattractive) intruder. It’s natural to look and maybe even admire someone else in the pub, but don’t vocalise it. Be tactful and show some respect.

5. “I’m amazed you agreed to meet me”

Arrogance is a turn-off but confidence is very attractive, and too much self-deprecation won’t get you anywhere. Whimpering about how you didn’t think you were good enough for your date is deeply unsexy and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Keep your chin up, try to project confidence through your body language, and tell yourself that your date is lucky to have you. Even if you don’t feel that way, acting like it will make you behave more confidently, and soon you’ll both believe it.

6. “Stay over at mine.”

It’s worth repeating: leave them wanting more. The date may be going brilliantly, but spending the night together this quickly puts you in danger of strangling this baby at birth. Go your separate ways, send a quick text the next day to say that you’d love to meet up again, and let them fantasise about you for a while.

7. “When I had my breakdown…”

Anyone with a bit of life experience has been through rough times. But blabbing to your new guy or gal about your nervous breakdown, depressive episode, eating disorder or whatever will just leave them with the impression that you’re a walking baggage carousel. And don’t, until you’ve been dating for a very long time indeed, even think about uttering: “my therapist said…”

8. “Could you lend me £20?”

Go to the cashpoint, cheapskate.

9. “Come on holiday with me this summer”

This level of keenness simply makes you look desperate. Unless you have a yacht in the Med, in which case, I’m free for the whole of August.

10. “I’ve been on the dating site for three years”

Translates as: “I am an online dating addict and, after tonight, you won’t see me for dust,” or: “No-one wants to go out with me, and you’re my last resort”. Take your pick.

 

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