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How to avoid the desperation trap

Jane Hoskyn | Wednesday 19 December 2007 | 15:38

 Desperation is a vicious circle. The more desperate you are to find someone to love, the more needy and clingy you'll seem, and the more unattractive you'll be to the opposite sex - with the possible exception of serial killers and certifiable control freaks.

So when your entire social circle snuggles up to its significant other, how can you avoid the desperation trap?

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Change your body language

Studies have shown that up to 93 percent of communication is done on a nonverbal level – which means that all those tedious hours we spend writing work presentations might be better spent learning how to project power and confidence.

We could all benefit from giving more attention to our body language in social situations. It’s most important for men, since scientists reckon that women are around 10 times better at reading body language than men are. So, chaps, you need to be especially on your guard when controlling those giveaway signs.

Next time you’re out at a social event, rather than trying to hook up with anyone, study the body language of the social movers and shakers. Pay attention to their every move. Look at everything, from the way they hold their glass to the angle of their hips and shoulders.

Check out their confident posture, and compare it with your own. Hunched shoulders are a sign of nerves – a key symptom of neediness – so lift back and relax your shoulders. Fast movements also convey nervousness and skittishness, so slow things down to give an impression of control and self-confidence.

Also watch how the social winners maintain eye contact for a long time. Extended eye contact can feel uncomfortable and intrusive when you’re doing it, but person you’re looking at will see it as persuasive and maybe even seductive. People who can’t maintain eye contact seem shifty and nervous. Learn to hold someone’s gaze for at least as long as it takes to make them look away. That puts you in control.

Try visualisation

These sports psychology techniques may seem cheesy and silly, but they’re very effective for boosting your confidence. They also help you radiate control and self-assurance – the very opposite of desperation.

Before approaching someone or arriving for a date, picture yourself interacting with that person. Make the visualisation as detailed as possible, and imagine yourself projecting confidence, changing your posture and speaking with wit and clarity. If you don’t believe that it works, think about the confidence-wrecking power of the opposite approach. Many of us go into social situations thinking, “I’m shy, I’m not good enough”. We end up fulfilling the prophecy, because our lack of confidence comes streaming out of our body language, tone of voice and conversation, like Captain Clingy from Planet Nervous.

Don’t babble about yourself

Giving away too much information is a sign of insecurity – it makes you looks as though you need to blind your date with great facts about yourself to keep them interested. In practice you’ll sound as though you’re trying too hard to impress, or trying to coax him or her into liking you. If you have confidence in yourself, the qualities you exude will speak for themselves and you won’t need to expend so much time in self-promotion. By shutting up and giving your date a chance to express their own interests and qualities, you’ll also get bonus points for being a good listener.

Don’t bring your baggage!

Want to look desperate in one quick and easy step? Simply unload your baggage onto the doorstep of your new date. You’ll give the impression that you haven’t moved on, and that you’re desperately looking for a new hook-up to help you get over the past. Which, if you can’t help mentioning the ex, is probably the case. No-one wants the responsibility of rescuing you from your obvious post-break-up malaise. It’ll make them feel like they have to tread on eggshells around you, and that if they ever decide they don’t want to go out with you any more it’ll destroy you forever. That’s way too much responsibility for most people – unless, again, you’re looking for a serial killer or control freak who gets a kick from rescuing stray dogs and throwing them scraps of attention. Do you want to be a stray dog? Do you? No. Sp pick yourself up, throw back those shoulders, fix them with your gaze and shut about yourself and your past. Go gettum.

 

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