SkyDating

• Home
• Dating Tips
• Dating after divorce

Dating after divorce

Jane Hoskyn | Tuesday 10 June 2008 | 12:52

Recently divorced and no idea how to get back into dating – or when, or with whom, and even to bother at all? Before you rush out and grab the first sweetie who catches your eye, read our FAQ on getting back out there after the end of your long-term relationship.

Q: I’m single for the first time in years and it feels weird. I need a relationship right now.

A: No you don’t. Few people feel comfortable as a singleton when they’ve just come out of a marriage or long-term relationship, especially if the break-up was traumatic. But you need that time out of a relationship to get to know yourself again, to meet new people and to relate to your friends as a single person.

Q: Why?

A: Because you need to be happy out of a relationship before you can be happy in a relationship. A relationship isn’t about two halves making a whole, it’s about two whole individuals being together. If you’re not happy in yourself, you’ll be unattractively desperate to get into a relationship, and clingy when you’re in one. Not a route to happiness (or a successful love life) for anyone.

Q: OK, but I’m a social pariah when I’m single.

A: This mistaken belief is the worst reason to launch yourself back into dating. Many an unhappy marriage has begun because one or both partners thinks that they need a partner, any partner, or risk staying childless or “on the shelf”.

Q: But I’m lonely when I’m single.

A: Singledom isn’t necessarily lonely; being unhappily married is as lonely as hell. Here’s just some of the good stuff about being single. No more worry about where you stand or where the relationship’s going. No-one else decides when, where and with whom you go out – and when you get to stay in with the telly and a cup of tea. You don’t get woken up by snoring (unless you have a housemate with a snore turned up to 11). You see your friends more, and you see the friends you want to see. You have more time for hobbies. You decide how to spend your money. This bit is getting too long…

Join now and start meeting singles near you for fun, love or romance

Q: All my friends are in couples.

A: I bet they’re not. You only think they are because all you see through your heartbroken prism is a world of couples. There are 15 million adult singles in the UK, of all ages and types.

Another reason for thinking that all your friends are in couples is that you’ve been in a couple. You’ve spent years socialising two-by-two. Now that you’re single, the two-by-two will naturally evolve into meeting other single people, and meeting their single friends, and their single friends.

Q: But what if I get addicted to being single and never want to date again?

A: Great as singledom is, it’s not nearly as addictive as the heady rush when you first hook up with someone you fancy. Evolution has built us to chase the opposite sex (or in some cases the same sex). Very few people enjoy single life so much that they’re immune to love and lust. So don’t worry about getting addicted to singledom. Just make sure that you enjoy its pleasures before leaping back into coupledom.

Q: How long should I stay single before dating again?

A: For as long as it takes for you to feel happy about yourself as you, not as someone’s other half. when you feel happy about yourself. And you feel ready to start dating.

Q: How do I know I’m there?

A: Usually because you stop feeling as though you “need” a relationship. Ironically, as soon as that neediness goes away and you’re a happy, contented singleton, you’re suddenly far more attractive to the opposite sex.

Q: But I’ve forgotten how to meet people.

A: Chances are it won’t “just happen”, so get out and socialise. Try new activities and accept all invitations. As soon as you start accepting some invitations, it’ll snowball – you’ll meet more and more people, and you’re part of the social loop again. Here’s where you realise just how many adults are single. It’s the couples who stay at home all the time!

Q: OK, but how do I get an actual date?

A: Same way you did last time. You get chatting to people, and sometimes you click, and you stay in touch, and maybe you decide to meet up again. That’s pretty much it.

Of course the are more proactive ways, such as online dating. It’s a rich seam – 8 million UK single adults are currently using it to find love. Online dating may be less spontaneous than being chatted up down the pub, but it’s a great way to meet people outside your usual circle, and to suss them out before wasting your precious time on them!

Join now and start meeting singles near you for fun, love or romance

Q: I’m starting to go on dates. Should I talk about my divorce?

A: No! At least not until you’ve been together for a month or two. Mention that you were married (purely for honesty’s sake), but don’t talk about the break-up and don’t mention your ex in any other context if you can possibly help it. I know that he or she was part of your life for years, but mentioning them suggests to your new date that you haven’t let go.

Q: I’m enjoying dating again, but my ex has a new partner and I’m devastated. Why?

A: Perfectly normal reaction. It doesn’t mean that you want to get back together. This is the person who loved you for years, and now they love someone else – that’s a harsh thing for any human ego to take. But as an adult you have to move on. Your relationship ended for a reason, and now you have the chance to be even happier, either on your own or with someone new.

Looking for love? Try Sky Dating!

Email a Friend Print Page

User Comments