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Do you keep dating the same type

Shehnaaz Chenia | Friday 09 November 2007 | 15:45

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His attention and affection were relentless for two heady months until, without clue or warning, he disappeared. No more texts, calls or emails. He wouldn't answer his phone.

My friend was devastated. She cried more in the following month than she had in the previous year. But as luck would have it, several weeks later she met someone new and was overjoyed. She vowed not to make the “mistakes” she’d made last time. She fell hook, line and sinker. This guy was also younger than her, quite handsome and very enthusiastic. He introduced her to his friends, whisked her away for a weekend and… you know what’s coming, don’t you?

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My friend has finally stopped crying over Wrong’Un Number Two, but I’ve got a horrible feeling that it’ll happen again. Because for some reason she repeatedly dates young, zestful men who are initially wildly over the top with excitement, but who quickly morph into selfish cowards who are off before you can say “commitment-phobe”.

My friend is not alone in dating the same mistakes over and over again. Just take a look at the latest celeb magazine and you’ll see déjà vu daters everywhere. Kate Moss’s latest amour, The Kills frontman Jamie Hince, is a louche, lean, cool-as-hell rock star just like her ex, Pete Doherty. Pamela Anderson went from one long-haired, tattoo-covered rock star husband, Tommy Lee, to another long-haired, tattoo-covered rock star husband, Kid Rock.

Serial type-dating is a simple phenomenon to explain. First, it’s a comfort zone, like eating cornflakes for breakfast every day for 20 years. Secondly, a powerful part of our subconscious (and maybe not-so-subconscious) just wants to get back together with the ex – so when we can’t, we go for a lookalike or actalike instead.

The biggest danger of getting into a dating rut is that you risk ending up on a treadmill of heartbreak. Just ask my poor friend. So how can you get off the treadmill? Try these tips for size.

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1. Identify your pattern

It can be much easier for other people to spot your behaviour patterns than for you to spot them yourself. Ask your friends. Do they think you keep targeting the same kind of man? What do they think you should look for instead? Often what you see as a good trait will be seen by your objective friends as something much less positive. For example my friend says she goes for men “with a zest for life and loads of spark”. In fact what she goes for are commitment-phobes with the attention span of instant coffee.

2. Look at your love map

Psychologists reckon that we grow up following a “love map” that was formed many years ago – by early dating experiences, school crushes, or your parents’ relationship. This love map conditions us to find certain types attractive, such as extroverts, doormats, control freaks and so on. Re-drawing your love map isn’t something you can do overnight, but you can start by identifying it and actively trying to date people who fall outside it.

3. Broaden your remit

My unlucky friend has a rule that she never goes out with older men. She looks and acts much younger than her years, and says she just isn’t attracted to older men because they seem so… well, old. But I’ve tried telling her that if she looks and acts younger than her years, there are plenty of men who do, too. Being narrow minded about your requirements in a partner may work if you’re a multi-millionaire like Rod Stewart, but for mere mortals it’s a foolish strategy because it’s cutting off oodles of potential dates – and stopping you moving beyond that love map treadmill. Are you really willing to miss out on the potential love of your life just because they’re a couple of years older than your “type”?

4. Get out there!

If you feel like you only ever date unfaithful morons, it could be because you only ever meet men in bars. Explore the world a bit more. Try online dating, get involved in a club based on your interests, socialise with a wider group of friends… and you never know who you might meet.

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