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Should you get back together?

Jane Hoskyn | Monday 25 February 2008 | 10:09

Kylie Minogue and her Gallic love bundle Olivier Martinez are back together after a year apart, and a nation – nay, a continent – goes “ahh, isn’t that sweet?” 

We wish nothing but the best for Brave Kylie™, but the small and perfectly-formed pop survivor has a job on her hands to make it last. 

Rekindled relationships comfort the romantic in all of us, but the fact is that if you broke up, there was a reason. Whether it was one partner’s roving eye or basic incompatibilities, that reason probably hasn’t gone away. 

Let’s wind the Hollywood clock back to those legends of on-off romance, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. They married in 1964 and divorced 10 years later. Those “miss you…” memories soon set in, and 16 months later the pair remarried. But old problems resurfaced, and their second marriage lasted just two years. 

Giving her ex a second chance may be the worst decision Kylie’s ever made – or it could be the best. Here are a few tips on how she can avoid a dose of déjà vu heartache. 

Motivation, motivation, motivation

Examine your motives for wanting to get back together. Examine them a lot. Do you really want him back because time apart has given you absolute confidence that he is your perfect partner? If so, great. But many couples reunite for other reasons. Maybe they’re feeling lonely, or finding it hard not being part of a couple. In which case, the love prognosis ain’t good. 

Remember what drove you apart

The honeymoon period will be blissful, but reality will quickly bite again, and the issues that ended your relationship last time will almost certainly resurface. Why did you break up last time? Had things been going wrong for a while, with arguments, boredom, problems in the bedroom, a roving eye? If you couldn’t fix these problems last time, you probably can’t now. Fancy dealing with that heartache all over again? Thought not. 

Take off your rosy memory-specs

It’s natural to remember the good times and forget the bad. We insist that things will be different this time. “Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you back for good,” crooned Gary Barlow. We promise to change – but real life doesn’t work like that. We soon revert to habit, and we quickly remember how much we hated the way he hogged the TV remote, or left the washing in the machine all day. Or snored. Or cheated… 

Don’t have a Band Aid Baby

The papers have speculated that Kylie, 39, is back with Martinez because he (well, his sperm) represents her last hope of being a mum. Beware the madness-making pull of the biological clock, Kylie! Dealing with your own repeat heartache would be hard enough; inflicting it on a child would be disastrous. 

Listen to your loved ones

Kylie’s “friends” are quoted as being “apoplectic” that she’s back with the man who cheated on her. Not a good sign. Your friends and family have the benefit of un-infatuated minds and genuine regard for your wellbeing, and they can often see what you can’t. If they think that you’re better off without your ex, they’re probably right. 

Examine his motives

So much for your own reasons, but what about his? Kylie’s life-changing decision to take her ex back reportedly began with his drunken “miss you” call. If this happens to you, look at his motives. He’s feeling lonely, right? It could be that someone else dumped or rejected him, and he now wants the comfort of your adoration. Or is he jealous, because he’s found out that your seeing someone else – or having a fabulous time without him? These motives will disappear as soon as he’s got you again. Tread very carefully. 

What have you got to lose?

 

Single people are often the worst offenders of “grass is greener” thinking. Look at your life: you have your independence, your friends, your social life (including the chance to flirt with whomever you like). You answer to nobody. Do you really want to give that up for someone who may break your heart? Don’t set yourself up for a painful encore. 

Finally, follow your heart

If you have any doubts about reuniting, don't do it. But if time apart has convinced you that he was the love of your life – and he feels the same – then go for it. Good luck… 

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